Posted by: danimal25 | 05/30/2008

Western Conference Finals: Game 5 Running Diary

6:10pm PST: First closeup of tonight’s announcing crew: Doug Collins and Marv Albert. Doug is grinning ear-to-ear having just agreed to become the next head coach of the Chicago Bulls. Marv is attempting to fake smile while his rug slowly peels from his scalp. Marv, you’re not fooling anyone. We know you’re bald.

6:13pm PST Tip Off: Lakers control the opening tip

6:37 left in the first quarter: Game is tied at 11. Our first commercial break features a WNBA spot promoting the slogan “Expect Great.” It appears the league’s marketing department might even be worse than the actual product it is attempting to advertise. David Stern, please pull the lever on “Old Sparky” and kill this mistake once and for all.

3:14 left in the 1st period: Michael Finley hits a corner three pointer to give the Spurs a 6 point lead, 21-15. Finally, someone on San Antonio is beginning to contribute besides Duncan and Parker.

2:52 left in the first: We get our first close up of Gregg Popovich. To say he is hard on the eyes, is an understatement. Dude’s face resembles the surface of the moon. He makes Tommy Lee Jones look like a Neutrogena model. This is one of the few times I regret having a High Definition television.

End of the first quarter: San Antonio holds a commanding lead 28-15.

Beginning of the 2nd quarter: Turiaf and Walton enter the game for LA. Turiaf is sporting a cornrow with a ponytail. Needless to say, not a good look.

10:15 left in the 2nd: Brent Barry drains a 3 pointer and extends the Spurs lead to 17 points, 33-16. Meanwhile, Phil Jackson is filing his nails on the sideline while his team is in danger of falling behind by 20 points.

6:33 left in the 2nd: Another commercial break. This time, we get the pleasure of a Buick advertisement featuring Tiger Woods. Tiger drives a Buick? Riiiiiight. Just like Michael Jordan wears Hanes tighty whities.

4:25 left in the 2nd: First shot of the celebrities in the stands. Let’s see…. there’s Dustin Hoffman…. Cameron Diaz…. Denzel Washington…. Jack Nicholson… and Adam Sandler and Baron Davis? What are these two doing together? And why is Baron dressed like a hobo?

37.6 seconds left in the 2nd: The Lakers have put together a 9-0 run in the past 2 minutes and have closed the deficit to 6 points.

Halftime: Spurs lead 48-42

TNT Halftime Show: Magic Johnson joins Ernie, Kenny, and Charles. Kenny opens things up by declaring, “The Spurs need to penetrate and knock down shots.” Wow. Astute commentary. Charles rolls his eyes and checks out the talent in the stands. Magic attempts to speak coherently, but fails.

Beginning of the 3rd Quarter: San Antonio starts the second half strongly. Tim Duncan swishes his patented angle bank shot from 18 feet and pumps his fist. This is the most emotion I’ve seen from him since…. ummm….. well….. ever. The Spurs extend their lead to 8 points.

5:20 left in the 3rd: After some back and forth, Kobe knocks down a jumper and cuts the Spurs lead to 4 points, 56-52. Kobe is just an assassin on the court. He attacks the rim harder than anyone in the league. However, his incessant licking of his lips is driving me nuts. Kobe, mix in some Chapstick.

End of 3rd Quarter: Kobe and the Lakers have grabbed hold of the momentum and now lead 64-63.

Start of the 4th Quarter: The once deflated Staples Center crowd is now buzzing with anticipation. The Lakers are 12 minutes from punching their ticket to the 2008 NBA Finals.

8:40 left in the 4th: Kobe Bryant is putting on a clinic. He splits 2 defenders and sinks a reverse layup over the outstretched arm of Tim Duncan. Lakers now lead 74-68.

3:34 left in the 4th: Bryant again knocks down a floating jump shot in the lane and the Lakers are in front 85-81. Coach Popovich stares blankly into space as his team is gasping for its last breath.

30 seconds left in the 4th: Brick City. Tim Duncan nearly shatters the backboard with an attempted 3 pointer. Spurs are down 93-84.

End of Game 5: The buzzer sounds and the Lakers win game 5, 100-92. They prepare to face the winner of the Eastern Conference Finals. Meanwhile, the Spurs slowly walk to the locker room in disgrace. Their season and dynasty are over.



  1. Hey Danimal, you forgot to mention the pointless three Vladmonovic, or whatever his name is, made to screw the spread. Otherwise, good entry!

  2. It is Kobe’s moment…Lakers in 6 over Boston.

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